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I was driving home and “I Do (Cherish You)” by 98 Degrees came on. A part of the chorus caught my attention: I will love you still. From the depths of my soul, it’s beyond my control. Then I entered my random pondering mode on the day and started to think.
One of my biggest fear is not being able to find someone who would genuinely love and want to be with me. I’m talking about a real, passionate relationship where it might lead to spending the rest of your life with each other. It’s difficult. Just think about it. How hard is it to find someone you’re totally compatible with? Someone similar enough to share your interests but different enough to bring in more elements to each other’s lives. Someone that possess the personality that fits yours. Like a key to a lock; one of a kind. Let’s say you’ve found them. What makes you completely positive that the fire, the passion and the love would still be there ten, twenty, or even fifty years from now?
I don’t know. I guess this uncertainty comes from my insecurities. Personally, I may or may not believe in relationships. Like Summer from 500 Days of Summer said, relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. I don’t want that. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in one but I just want to be in one with someone that I’d think is worth it. I don’t want to open up and become vulnerable to someone who doesn’t even care as much as I do. I feel like once you put a title on it, things change, whether you like it or not. People get too comfortable and standards start to rise. Honestly, two people can be together without any specifications. As long as the two people in the relationship know what they are and where they stand then that’s all that matters. A title is simply just a title, it doesn’t mean jack. It’s just a way to tell people you guys are together. “Oh he’s my bf, I love him THIS much. He’s my husband now so I love him THIS much.”
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in (and hope to) spend the rest of my live with someone or get married. My parents are happily married for almost thirty years and to me, they’re the perfect example of a perfect marriage. I look at them and I want that. But I guess it’s the fact that I strive for such a perfect ending, I lose myself in between. I just want to know that someone would be there for as long as possible, kind of like “til death do us part” shit. But as much as you love and give to someone, you can only hope that they’ll always reciprocate your love and care.
Because life always happen.
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